


No doubt in my mind.

by EscapingReality51



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, mentions of past infidelity, robert hears their wedding song and feeling ensue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 05:28:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11224281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EscapingReality51/pseuds/EscapingReality51
Summary: Four times Robert hears their wedding song since the wedding.





	No doubt in my mind.

i.

The first time it happens, it hits him like a tonne of bricks. It makes the hole in his chest expand until he feels like there’s nothing left, until his already empty heart is bleeding and he doesn’t know how to make it stop. 

He’s at the kitchen table. The duvet and pillow still lie on the sofa, cold and scrunched up in one end. He kicked them off in his sleep, woke from his fitful rest with half of it on the floor and lay there staring at the ceiling before he decided to get up and start the day. 

His tea is steaming, reaching the perfect temperature for drinking and he hopes it will still his roiling stomach, appease the bile that rises when he realises that there might be  _ months _ before he sees Aaron again. A shaky hand lifts the mug, his cold feet are planted on the floor when he hears the song play over the radio. 

Their wedding song. 

Aaron swaying softly in his arms. 

Aaron smiling, Aaron genuinely happy as he leans in for a kiss. 

Aaron resting his head on his shoulder. 

He sets the cup down and puts his hands to his face, burying it so it might now show. So his pain doesn’t leak out and become uncontrollable.

By the time he lifts his head up, his tea has gone cold.

 

ii.

He’s driving. 

The road is hard, firm, calming. His breathing comes more steady now than it has in days. 

He spent most of the morning trying to scrub off his skin, trying to remove the memory of  _ her _ from his lips, his hands. What little he can remember disgusts him. 

This is his escape.

He passes green fields and blue sky, his hands set firmly on the steering-wheel as he stares intently ahead. The pretense is some meeting and he’s sure Vic will figure out that it’s a lie somehow but he can deal with that later. 

His fingers clench as soon as the first tones start playing.

_ No. _

His empty mind is gone. He’s back to that night and blonde hair and wrong lips, the wrong taste in his mouth as he listens to the steady voice flowing through the speakers. 

_ No. _

His knuckles whiten, his eyes blurr and his foot slams on the break. He thinks of the last night they spent together, how they didn’t go to sleep before the sun came up, how they were spent and satisfied and if he could he would stay there forever. 

_ No. _

He remembers waking up and knowing in the pit of his stomach what he had done. Washing the dirty sheets and not being able to wash the stain away from his soul, the black spot that just keeps on growing because he keeps on screwing up.

The car comes to a stop on the side of the road and he pushes the door open, steps out and throws up in the grass. He wipes his chin with a shaky hand, the sun suddenly too strong, the road to Leeds no longer a respite but a prison. He is stuck with himself, and he hates it.

The song is still playing when he gets back in the car, and starts crying.

 

iii.

The Mill is empty while Robert cooks. Aaron had a late meeting and Liv is having dinner with Gabby so Robert stands in the kitchen with the radio on as he works. 

It is starting to feel like a real home now; the memories of one wrong decision is being drowned out by a thousand right ones. Memories of happiness, of hope, of Aaron slowly beginning to trust him again. Robert can feel parts of himself he thought he lost coming back, the reflection he sees in the mirror is no longer one that makes him sick to his stomach. Especially when Aaron is behind him. 

These nights are almost the best. The nights where all he looks forward to is Aaron.

He is taking a sip of his wine when the announcer prepares him for what’s the come.

It’s been awhile, maybe too long since he last heard it but he takes a deep breath. 

The memories are still crystal clear in his mind. He can still remember the feel of Aaron’s stubble against his cheek. The feeling of Aaron leaning over to kiss him. The feeling of holding his whole world in his arms. 

The timer goes off and he stops it, wanting to listen, to remember what it was like to be completely happy. He leans on the kitchen table, his arms taut, his eyes staring at the wall. 

As the song ends he hears steady footsteps outside the front door and wipes a tear off his cheek. 

As Aaron wraps his arms around him from behind, Robert leans back into it and thinks that maybe, one day, he can be as happy again. 

 

iv.

His heat is thudding in his chest. 

The ring on his finger is the exact same one he wore yesterday, but it feels more important now. It feels more solid, more real now that Aaron has put it back on his finger. 

Aaron insisted on them taking it off so they could do it properly, with papers and all. 

He hadn’t liked it, but acquiesced because it’s Aaron. He could never deny him anything.

He’s smiling. He can feel the muscles in his face, and he can’t make them relax. He doesn’t want to. Being happy feels good. 

Aaron walks towards him and takes the glass out of his hand before pulling him in and resting his forehead against Robert’s. Grounding him. Giving him everything he ever wanted. 

“I asked Mum to do this,” he whispers and his breath ghosts across Robert’s face. 

As the music starts playing, it’s his turn to lean in, to press a tender kiss to Aaron’s lips and hope that it speaks louder than words. 

Their arms wrap around one another, he rests his head on Aaron’s shoulder and breathes him in. He smells of his favourite perfume, the one that Aaron knows makes his toes curl and Robert will have to reciprocate later.

For now, it’s enough to just hold him, and know that he feels whole again.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr: escapingreality51


End file.
